Thursday, 19 March 2009

knowing too much too late

Bismillahi Rahmani Raheem
I was looking for something positive to write, it had seemed to be the breaking point. I had not realised the battle within myself. Only solitude showed me what I really felt. When I discover a fact, I’m a born broadcaster, a born reporter. I was given the name tattle tale in primary school for my apparent investigative gossipism.[1]
It has now morphed into attempted journalism. So when events in my life began unfolding, I reacted very strangely. If I were alone I would have no choice to reflect on implications and analyse the situation. But that would make me so alone. Aloner than alone. But I’m not (Alhamdulillahi Rabbil ‘alameen!) I’m not alone, and my partner is the ears and I’m an unstoppable uncontrollable gushing of verbal diarrhoea with the assistance of natural microphone that Allah blessed me with…its my fitna I have to learn to control. But I don’t. So….when events start unfolding and the veil is lifted from my eyes and I see the world for what it really is today, I am in a longitudinal state of shock. And it lasts long!!!!!!!!!! But in the mean time, before I can face any pain in the truth, I start chattering uncontrollable like a monkey….yea today I’m really laying it heavy on myself. And to whose poor ears does this damning news fall on, the naïveté ears of my darling. I can see, better yet I can feel the sadness and despair that overwhelms him but the usual feigned nonchalance that the male species can so eloquently use to mask their quivering sissy knees is put on.
Poor guy…so back to me! I had a moment of truth today, when my father corroborated my darkest fears. I’m daddy’s little girl, always have, always will be…and when he says the sky is yellow I believe him. But today I said the sky was yellow and he said in not so many words, of course didn’t you know?

We talked on a matter of things….
The continuous rape and pillage, plots and permanent slavery of the richest continent on earth, Africa
The attack on monotheism and the truth in particular, Islam…….

And there I realised the change in myself. Something happened, I cannot say that I controlled it because trust me I could have continued living in that stinky bubble for all my life, I saw something that engaged my heart, my nafs, Allah could be the only reason behind it. Something strange happened and suddenly my focus was violently pulled away from Big Brother, Paris, Vogue and all the mundane things designed to rot our brains and starve our souls.

[1] Fake word

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